Those who know what is happening in my life now may find it ironic that I link this article by Joe Sobran, but there it is. I agree with Sobran - the "bright new day" the Progressives envision for us is in practice a dark, dark night. Speaking as one who has been living in darkness for as long as I can remember, I ought to know.
I won't blame "Progressives" for all the societal ills from which we suffer, but they certainly bear significant responsibility for changing our societal paradigm from one which tolerates deviance to one which revels in it. Jonah Goldberg makes the case more clearly than I could.
I face an awful lot of fear now. I just wrote a note to my pastor and one of the elders describing all the things that scare me in my life: living alone, being barred from worship, the effects of this situation on my family... Panic lurks under the surface.
The really, really, really weird bit is that I have more of sense of being in God's hands and more sense that He is actively at work to do me good than I have had in a Very Long Time. Go figure.
Tuesday, January 11
Monday, January 10
More Thoughts on Mercy
Mercy comes in painful packages as well.
The last few days have been some of the most difficult, painful and strangely liberating of my life. A personal crisis has forced into the open some issues in my heart that I never recognized, and the recognition has been not merely a revelation but an epiphany. It is as though I had spent my entire life viewing the world through the wrong end of a telescope, always running into things and tripping over things, never really seeing or experiencing the world the way "normal" people do. And suddenly, I understand why.
Now, that doesn't mean the pathology is not still there. But what it does mean is that the first step to finding a solution is identifying the problem. I've been in the IT biz for a long time, and it is axiomatic that you cannot solve the problem if you cannot identify the problem.
Well, now I know the source of the problem.
It's a relief, really, even though my life externally appears to be in worse shape than ever. In reality, what might appear to an onlooker as the first day of a disaster was in reality the first day of healing. Although the metaphorical cancer is still inside me, at least I now know the nature of the problem.
I fight self-pity a lot, which is both self-indulgent and stupid. God is actively at work on my behalf, sorting out the mess that I have made of my life, redeeming that which seems irredeemable, making something beautiful out of something horrendous. I am not in control - He is. But the illusion of control is hard to relinquish.
My family suffers because of me. That is my excruciating reality. Yet they too are in God's more-than-capable hands. I do not understand His ways, but I have reached a point of desparation where I must entrust myself and my family to those ways, opaque though they may be. And in abandoning my delusion of control, I find freedom. Paradoxical, eh?
The last few days have been some of the most difficult, painful and strangely liberating of my life. A personal crisis has forced into the open some issues in my heart that I never recognized, and the recognition has been not merely a revelation but an epiphany. It is as though I had spent my entire life viewing the world through the wrong end of a telescope, always running into things and tripping over things, never really seeing or experiencing the world the way "normal" people do. And suddenly, I understand why.
Now, that doesn't mean the pathology is not still there. But what it does mean is that the first step to finding a solution is identifying the problem. I've been in the IT biz for a long time, and it is axiomatic that you cannot solve the problem if you cannot identify the problem.
Well, now I know the source of the problem.
It's a relief, really, even though my life externally appears to be in worse shape than ever. In reality, what might appear to an onlooker as the first day of a disaster was in reality the first day of healing. Although the metaphorical cancer is still inside me, at least I now know the nature of the problem.
I fight self-pity a lot, which is both self-indulgent and stupid. God is actively at work on my behalf, sorting out the mess that I have made of my life, redeeming that which seems irredeemable, making something beautiful out of something horrendous. I am not in control - He is. But the illusion of control is hard to relinquish.
My family suffers because of me. That is my excruciating reality. Yet they too are in God's more-than-capable hands. I do not understand His ways, but I have reached a point of desparation where I must entrust myself and my family to those ways, opaque though they may be. And in abandoning my delusion of control, I find freedom. Paradoxical, eh?
Friday, January 7
Mercy in a Strange Package
Today's morning Psalm was number 103. Among the mind-boggling things it says is this:
Bless the Lord, oh my soul, and forget not one of all His benefits -
Who forgives every one of all your iniquities
Who heals each one of all your diseases
Who redeems you life from the pit and corruption
Who beautifies, dignifies and crowns you with loving-kindness and tender mercy
Who satisfies your mouth, (your necessity and desire at your personal age and situation), with good so that your youth, renewed, is like the eagle's.
Sometimes the scripture seems so random, other times it seems as if God had something written specifically for me. This is an instance of the latter.
I am overcome by my own iniquities. I have climbed down into the pit and am trapped in my own corruptiom. My life is hideous, shameful and despicable. I deserve scorn and wrath. I am ever hungry and never filled.
God's mercy is displayed initially in allowing my shame and corruption to be exposed to the light. It is horrible to be exposed as a liar and a cheat. But I am hopeful - very hopeful - that He is faithfully dealing with me as son, cleansing me, forgiving me of my sin and changing my life into one that is an honor to His name.
Bless the Lord, oh my soul, and forget not one of all His benefits -
Who forgives every one of all your iniquities
Who heals each one of all your diseases
Who redeems you life from the pit and corruption
Who beautifies, dignifies and crowns you with loving-kindness and tender mercy
Who satisfies your mouth, (your necessity and desire at your personal age and situation), with good so that your youth, renewed, is like the eagle's.
Sometimes the scripture seems so random, other times it seems as if God had something written specifically for me. This is an instance of the latter.
I am overcome by my own iniquities. I have climbed down into the pit and am trapped in my own corruptiom. My life is hideous, shameful and despicable. I deserve scorn and wrath. I am ever hungry and never filled.
God's mercy is displayed initially in allowing my shame and corruption to be exposed to the light. It is horrible to be exposed as a liar and a cheat. But I am hopeful - very hopeful - that He is faithfully dealing with me as son, cleansing me, forgiving me of my sin and changing my life into one that is an honor to His name.
Thursday, January 6
This is my Body
Consider the fact of your own bodily presence. What is undeniable about you - or about your body? Just this - no one but you can occupy that space at the same time. You can say with utter assurance, "this space is mine". No matter how confined or constrained others may make your space, God has given us our own space that belongs to no one else, and the borders of that space are defined by our own bodies. Silly? Perhaps. But for that person who has everything else stripped from him, there is comfort, however small, in the fact that the space occupied by their body can be occupied by no one else.
Small as this is, I think it speaks to a fundamental truth God has woven into creation. In spite of the virtual nature of so much of our work these days, we are still creatures, not merely consciousness. There is a physicallity to existence that makes each of us unique, no matter how unremarkable we may be. The constraints of space and the borders of our physical bodies both reinforces our alone-ness and our uniqueness.
And this also has implications for those who profess belief as Christians. Our physical presence - together as people - is the format through which Christ is manifested to the earth. Gotta have that body - and all the irritating realities that come with it - living, working, singing, laughing, crying. fighting, forgiving together to incarnate the Word of God in our communities.
Small as this is, I think it speaks to a fundamental truth God has woven into creation. In spite of the virtual nature of so much of our work these days, we are still creatures, not merely consciousness. There is a physicallity to existence that makes each of us unique, no matter how unremarkable we may be. The constraints of space and the borders of our physical bodies both reinforces our alone-ness and our uniqueness.
And this also has implications for those who profess belief as Christians. Our physical presence - together as people - is the format through which Christ is manifested to the earth. Gotta have that body - and all the irritating realities that come with it - living, working, singing, laughing, crying. fighting, forgiving together to incarnate the Word of God in our communities.
Thursday, September 30
Mark Steyn Makes Sense
Steyn on why American conservatism gives us a better chance of surviving a Muslim Revolution than the British Commonwealth and the EU.
Wednesday, September 22
Just to remind myself
1. Be proactive. Control your environment, rather than having it control you.
2. Begin with the end in mind. Covey calls this "the habit of personal leadership" -- leading yourself toward your goals.
3. Put first things first ("the habit of personal management") -- organizing and implementing your activities in line with your objectives.
4. Think "win/win" instead of "win-or-lose" ("the habit of interpersonal leadership") -- because personal achievements are largely dependent on cooperative efforts.
5. Seek first to understand and then to be understood -- a habit that is based on the power of communication.
6. Synergize (see "Word to the Wise," below) by exercising the principle that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts ("the habit of creative cooperation"). This habit implicitly lays down the challenge to see the good and potential in the other person's contribution.
7. Sharpen the saw ("the habit of self-renewal"). This habit supports all the other habits and helps you stay physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually fit.
2. Begin with the end in mind. Covey calls this "the habit of personal leadership" -- leading yourself toward your goals.
3. Put first things first ("the habit of personal management") -- organizing and implementing your activities in line with your objectives.
4. Think "win/win" instead of "win-or-lose" ("the habit of interpersonal leadership") -- because personal achievements are largely dependent on cooperative efforts.
5. Seek first to understand and then to be understood -- a habit that is based on the power of communication.
6. Synergize (see "Word to the Wise," below) by exercising the principle that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts ("the habit of creative cooperation"). This habit implicitly lays down the challenge to see the good and potential in the other person's contribution.
7. Sharpen the saw ("the habit of self-renewal"). This habit supports all the other habits and helps you stay physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually fit.
Friday, September 3
An interesting, (if slightly academic), article on how monetary inflation is destroying us.
Thursday, September 2
Cranky About the War on Terror
When we went to war against Hitler and the Axis powers in 1941, what were fighting for? "Our freedom" seems to be a pretty good answer. Hitler had armies and - at one point - had used them to occupy and subjugate all of Europe. Hirohito had armies and had used them to occupy and subjugate most of Southeast Asia. If either of these two powers remained unchecked, it was quite clear that we were in danger of being occupied and subjugated. In other words, the Axis were a threat to America and to the freedoms we enjoyed as Americans
What terrorist army is threatening to occupy and subjugate America? I know that they could have suitcase bombs - and that is certainly a horrible thought. But I have a question - what if they do? What if they unleash a nuclear bomb on New York? Will we all suddenly decide to become Muslims? Will we bow in abject humiliation and obey our new masters from Saudi Arabia and Egypt and Syria? Will armies of mujahadin lead by mad mullahs suddenly materialize in Phoenix and Los Angeles Atlanta and Nashville, Chicago and Dallas to force our compliance with Islamic law?
Not in a million years.
Terrorists are no threat to America - they are a threat to Americans. They threaten us individually, not corporately. They are mere criminals. Terrorists have no Army they can use to occupy their "conquered" lands. They have no Navy they can use to enforce an embargo of our ports. They have no Air Force they can use to conduct high-level bombing raids on strategic targets. They are nothing more than a small group of well-financed criminals with the capability of doing a lot of damage but NO CHANCE of denying us our freedoms as Americans. The only entity in the world with enough power to deny American citizens their basic rights is the American government.
And that is exactly what is happening to us; happening in the name of protecting us from the terrorists.
Star Chambers
Suspension of the Writ of Habeus Corpus
Virtually unlimited police powers granted the federal police
Destruction of the dollar by the quasi-governmental Federal Reserve
Budget deficits that have saddled our children with unpayable debts
Out-of-control taxation
Out-of-control debt
Out-of-control government growth
If this is the price of Freedom, what in the world would slavery look like? And who would inflict it upon us?
When we went to war against Hitler and the Axis powers in 1941, what were fighting for? "Our freedom" seems to be a pretty good answer. Hitler had armies and - at one point - had used them to occupy and subjugate all of Europe. Hirohito had armies and had used them to occupy and subjugate most of Southeast Asia. If either of these two powers remained unchecked, it was quite clear that we were in danger of being occupied and subjugated. In other words, the Axis were a threat to America and to the freedoms we enjoyed as Americans
What terrorist army is threatening to occupy and subjugate America? I know that they could have suitcase bombs - and that is certainly a horrible thought. But I have a question - what if they do? What if they unleash a nuclear bomb on New York? Will we all suddenly decide to become Muslims? Will we bow in abject humiliation and obey our new masters from Saudi Arabia and Egypt and Syria? Will armies of mujahadin lead by mad mullahs suddenly materialize in Phoenix and Los Angeles Atlanta and Nashville, Chicago and Dallas to force our compliance with Islamic law?
Not in a million years.
Terrorists are no threat to America - they are a threat to Americans. They threaten us individually, not corporately. They are mere criminals. Terrorists have no Army they can use to occupy their "conquered" lands. They have no Navy they can use to enforce an embargo of our ports. They have no Air Force they can use to conduct high-level bombing raids on strategic targets. They are nothing more than a small group of well-financed criminals with the capability of doing a lot of damage but NO CHANCE of denying us our freedoms as Americans. The only entity in the world with enough power to deny American citizens their basic rights is the American government.
And that is exactly what is happening to us; happening in the name of protecting us from the terrorists.
Star Chambers
Suspension of the Writ of Habeus Corpus
Virtually unlimited police powers granted the federal police
Destruction of the dollar by the quasi-governmental Federal Reserve
Budget deficits that have saddled our children with unpayable debts
Out-of-control taxation
Out-of-control debt
Out-of-control government growth
If this is the price of Freedom, what in the world would slavery look like? And who would inflict it upon us?
Friday, August 27
Wednesday, August 25
I have four children of my own ranging in age from 21 to 15. I also teach a bunch of high-schoolers in my living room on Sunday nights. One thing I've learned about dealing with people in general and kids in particular is that you gotta keep it simple. My philosophy as a parent is pretty simple:
1. Make very few rules
2. Make the rules unambiguous
3. Enforce the rules
This has worked well for me & my kids. I think it works because it acknowledges something fundamentally true about humans.
In that vein, Jesus did the same for us. He told us that the entire bulk of the Law & the Prophets was contained in two commands - Love God, Love your neighbor.
Every violation of God's law is a violation of one or both of those commands, right?
I'm no theologian, but I expect that when I am at last fully sanctified, I will in fact love God & love my neighbor perfectly, thus perfectly obeying His Law. Funny thing about love, though - love cannot be commanded. That means God commands us to do the one thing which He cannot coerce us into doing.
Lest I be misunderstood, I fully realize the difference between Love, the squishy affection, and Love, the action that does good to our neighbor. But the command is to Love God and neighbor not just with our strength and mind, but with our hearts as well. You may command my Mind and compel my strength, but sheer force is powerless over the heart.
Seems like there is some sort of paradox here. I can "obey" God's command to Not Steal, Not Murder, Not Commit Adultery, Not Perjure, Not Covet - but if the motivation of my heart is anything other than love, then I am not truly obedient, am I?
Man, am I hosed. Oh wretched man that I am, who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God, through Jesus Christ, my Lord.
But what does that mean? What is it that Jesus my Lord has done in light of this question about loving God and neighbor? Just this:
He is with me always, having made His dwelling within me, and is now at work in me not merely to obey His commands, but to want to obey. (Phil 2:13)
This is what the Apostle Paul was talking about when he says that any man who is in Christ has become a new creature. We become people who actually want to obey God and also have to power to obey.
1. Make very few rules
2. Make the rules unambiguous
3. Enforce the rules
This has worked well for me & my kids. I think it works because it acknowledges something fundamentally true about humans.
In that vein, Jesus did the same for us. He told us that the entire bulk of the Law & the Prophets was contained in two commands - Love God, Love your neighbor.
Every violation of God's law is a violation of one or both of those commands, right?
I'm no theologian, but I expect that when I am at last fully sanctified, I will in fact love God & love my neighbor perfectly, thus perfectly obeying His Law. Funny thing about love, though - love cannot be commanded. That means God commands us to do the one thing which He cannot coerce us into doing.
Lest I be misunderstood, I fully realize the difference between Love, the squishy affection, and Love, the action that does good to our neighbor. But the command is to Love God and neighbor not just with our strength and mind, but with our hearts as well. You may command my Mind and compel my strength, but sheer force is powerless over the heart.
Seems like there is some sort of paradox here. I can "obey" God's command to Not Steal, Not Murder, Not Commit Adultery, Not Perjure, Not Covet - but if the motivation of my heart is anything other than love, then I am not truly obedient, am I?
Man, am I hosed. Oh wretched man that I am, who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God, through Jesus Christ, my Lord.
But what does that mean? What is it that Jesus my Lord has done in light of this question about loving God and neighbor? Just this:
He is with me always, having made His dwelling within me, and is now at work in me not merely to obey His commands, but to want to obey. (Phil 2:13)
This is what the Apostle Paul was talking about when he says that any man who is in Christ has become a new creature. We become people who actually want to obey God and also have to power to obey.
Wednesday, August 18
If the purpose of school is to educate children, why are school schedules designed with no regard for the sleep needs of adolescents? Why Teens Need More Sleep
"...high school starts too early for most teenagers, often as early as 7 a.m. Two decades ago, high schools typically opened at 8 a.m. or later in the United States as well as elsewhere around the world." Review: Adolescent Sleep Patterns: Biological, Social and Psychological Influences
"...a teenager's brain typically needs to sleep from 11:00 pm to 8:00 am. However, most high schools require students to be in class as early as 7:15 or 7:30 am. "Should Teens Sleep In?
"...high school starts too early for most teenagers, often as early as 7 a.m. Two decades ago, high schools typically opened at 8 a.m. or later in the United States as well as elsewhere around the world." Review: Adolescent Sleep Patterns: Biological, Social and Psychological Influences
"...a teenager's brain typically needs to sleep from 11:00 pm to 8:00 am. However, most high schools require students to be in class as early as 7:15 or 7:30 am. "Should Teens Sleep In?
Tuesday, August 17
...if we wanted to we could easily and inexpensively jettison the old, stupid structures and help kids take an education rather than merely receive a schooling. We could encourage the best qualities of youthfulness-curiosity, adventure, resilience, the capacity for surprising insight simply by being more flexible about time, texts, and tests, by introducing kids to truly competent adults, and by giving each student what autonomy he or she needs in order to take a risk every now and then.
The Odysseus Group - John Taylor Gatto
The Odysseus Group - John Taylor Gatto
Friday, July 30
...the more we ask from the state, the more power we grant it over our lives. And when we rely on force to get what we want, we can be certain that that force will one day be used against us, or in ways we find deplorable.
This from Bretigne Shaffer via Lew Rockwell.com who said it better than I ever could.
This from Bretigne Shaffer via Lew Rockwell.com who said it better than I ever could.
Thursday, July 1
How big is too big?
This is a question I've been pondering for quite some time. I know I haven't quite got this figured out, but this is a blog, so it doesn't have to be perfect yet. Here's what I am thinking:
Is there a size limit to every human endeavor? Is there something hardwired into us humans that makes us incapable of building a large organization that does not abuse its own power? Can you think of any large organization that does not abuse people? I cannot.
Humans band together to form organizations because whatever goal they wish to accomplish is unattainable without cooperation. But what happens when the existence of the organization becomes a threat to the original goal? What happens when, for example, a government that was formed "of the people, by the people, for the people" becomes the single biggest threat to the liberty of those same people?
In a small organization where the raison d'etre for its very existence is still at the forefront of the group's consciousness, it may be apparent that dissolution of the organization is the best way to meet the organization's original goals - or at least the best way to quit screwing up the organization's original vision. A small organization is able to dissolve with a minimum amount of fuss and pain.
But the bigger an organzation becomes, the more it loses sight of why it was formed, and the more self-preservation becomes the dominant goal of the organization.
The mess in Iraq is made far worse by the almost universal insistence that the country of Iraq remain One Country. But why? The reality is that the nation-state the world knows as "Iraq" is composed of three distinct ethnic and religious groups, none of whom gets along with the others. Why then do we insist on uniting them all under a single flag? Why do we not seriously discuss the option of splitting the state into three smaller, autonomous countries? Does it have any thing to do with the human (generally) and American (particularly) addiction to bigness and power?
Closer to home, schools were formed for the sole purpose of educating our children. But as school systems get bigger and control of the schools becomes more centralized, the actual task of educating the young takes a back seat to perpetuating the existence of the schools.
Perhaps you recall that the Republicans promised to disband the Department of Education in their "Contract with America" in 1994. What happened when they took over the house, though? Same ole same ole. No one can honestly argue that the intensified centralization of schools has actually helped to better educate our children, but almost no one seriously advocates decentralization as - if not a solution - at least a step in the right direction.
I don't know if there is a principle involved here or not. But I suspect that there is a natural size limit to any organization - no matter the type. I suspect that God has created us in such a way that we are incapable of creating non-abusive organizations bigger than X. (What X is, I have no idea. But I suspect it is a lot smaller than almost any organization we are familiar with.)
Whether government, business, education or religion, once an organization grows beyond that limit - whatever that limit may be - it loses the human element; it loses its ability to respond to people as people.
This is a question I've been pondering for quite some time. I know I haven't quite got this figured out, but this is a blog, so it doesn't have to be perfect yet. Here's what I am thinking:
Is there a size limit to every human endeavor? Is there something hardwired into us humans that makes us incapable of building a large organization that does not abuse its own power? Can you think of any large organization that does not abuse people? I cannot.
Humans band together to form organizations because whatever goal they wish to accomplish is unattainable without cooperation. But what happens when the existence of the organization becomes a threat to the original goal? What happens when, for example, a government that was formed "of the people, by the people, for the people" becomes the single biggest threat to the liberty of those same people?
In a small organization where the raison d'etre for its very existence is still at the forefront of the group's consciousness, it may be apparent that dissolution of the organization is the best way to meet the organization's original goals - or at least the best way to quit screwing up the organization's original vision. A small organization is able to dissolve with a minimum amount of fuss and pain.
But the bigger an organzation becomes, the more it loses sight of why it was formed, and the more self-preservation becomes the dominant goal of the organization.
The mess in Iraq is made far worse by the almost universal insistence that the country of Iraq remain One Country. But why? The reality is that the nation-state the world knows as "Iraq" is composed of three distinct ethnic and religious groups, none of whom gets along with the others. Why then do we insist on uniting them all under a single flag? Why do we not seriously discuss the option of splitting the state into three smaller, autonomous countries? Does it have any thing to do with the human (generally) and American (particularly) addiction to bigness and power?
Closer to home, schools were formed for the sole purpose of educating our children. But as school systems get bigger and control of the schools becomes more centralized, the actual task of educating the young takes a back seat to perpetuating the existence of the schools.
Perhaps you recall that the Republicans promised to disband the Department of Education in their "Contract with America" in 1994. What happened when they took over the house, though? Same ole same ole. No one can honestly argue that the intensified centralization of schools has actually helped to better educate our children, but almost no one seriously advocates decentralization as - if not a solution - at least a step in the right direction.
I don't know if there is a principle involved here or not. But I suspect that there is a natural size limit to any organization - no matter the type. I suspect that God has created us in such a way that we are incapable of creating non-abusive organizations bigger than X. (What X is, I have no idea. But I suspect it is a lot smaller than almost any organization we are familiar with.)
Whether government, business, education or religion, once an organization grows beyond that limit - whatever that limit may be - it loses the human element; it loses its ability to respond to people as people.
Monday, June 14
On Sunday nights, the high schoolers come to our house for Bible Study. That's not too strange, I guess - lots of folks host Bible studies at their house. But what's strange, to me at least, is that I lead it.
I used to think I knew so much about life and God, thought I had it pretty much all figured out. Then I spent 20 years raising kids, being married, working for a living - and all the things I thought I knew I realized were mostly theories. Life knocked the wind out of my sails.
But I guess I haven't really given up - although I've tried a few times. I just cannot get away from this God Who seems to continue to pursue me. So I ask myself, "What do I KNOW is true? What can I really count on?" The answers are few and far between.
One of the guys I work with recently filed for divorce from his wife of more than 20 years, and it shook me to the core. I can hardly believe the depth of his duplicity, the extent of his selfishness, and the self-delusion in which he is ensnared. I understand getting worn-out with a marriage that just doesn't seem to work. What I cannot understand is how quickly he gave up - and how dishonest he has been about his intentions. Looking back over my last year's worth of conversations with him, it is apparent to me that he never intended to try to work things out. He found a girlfriend and it was the excuse he needed to jettison his wife and kids.
Oh, and he claims to be a believer. He knows what he is doing is wrong, but he also knows "God will forgive". I've had those kinds of thoughts when I chose to go my own way in spite of my certainty that my actions were immoral, but I shudder at the folly of such hubris.
And I guess this is just part of the whole picture - things I see but do not understand. My friend's wife and children are devastated beyond description. The man is utterly lacking in human pity and has proven himself to be completely contemptible. He spent the last year rearranging the family finances so that his wife will end up with less than nothing, half their debts and no source of income. Unbelievable. He acted like he was listening to me as I commiserated with his pain while encouraging him to not give up. But he'd already given up - and let me talk away as if it mattered. Dispicable. He acts as though he's decided to sell an old car, not like he has betrayed wife, children, family and friends.
I understand wanting to quit on a marriage. I don't understand intentionally, systematically screwing everyone involved.
When I pray for his wife & kids, I don't even know what to ask. God knew all this was going down and chose to allow it. It doesn't make sense to me, but I have to say - in spite of my blinding ignorance - God is still in charge and still acting in a loving way.
Last night, I told the high schoolers what I know about faith. The essential part is this: if you can perceive it with your senses, then it doesn't require the saving kind of faith. The saving kind of faith believes in what is not seen, and hopes in that which real, even though it is unperceived by the senses. And God intends that we live in this state of faith all the time - believing that He is acting out of a heart of goodness toward us even when we are betrayed, beaten, unjustly accused, ridiculed. Even when our lot in life is desperate and dire, even when all my senses say "this is a horrible, terrible tragedy". Even in such outrageous circumstances, faith says, "God is good, and is acting in goodness toward these whom He loves even now."
It's more than I can grasp with my mind; I have to apprehend it with my heart. It delivers a knockout blow to my understanding and leaves it sprawled senseless in the dirt. It forces me to believe with nothing but desire - the desire to continue believing that God is good, in the face of all evidence to the contrary.
I used to think I knew so much about life and God, thought I had it pretty much all figured out. Then I spent 20 years raising kids, being married, working for a living - and all the things I thought I knew I realized were mostly theories. Life knocked the wind out of my sails.
But I guess I haven't really given up - although I've tried a few times. I just cannot get away from this God Who seems to continue to pursue me. So I ask myself, "What do I KNOW is true? What can I really count on?" The answers are few and far between.
One of the guys I work with recently filed for divorce from his wife of more than 20 years, and it shook me to the core. I can hardly believe the depth of his duplicity, the extent of his selfishness, and the self-delusion in which he is ensnared. I understand getting worn-out with a marriage that just doesn't seem to work. What I cannot understand is how quickly he gave up - and how dishonest he has been about his intentions. Looking back over my last year's worth of conversations with him, it is apparent to me that he never intended to try to work things out. He found a girlfriend and it was the excuse he needed to jettison his wife and kids.
Oh, and he claims to be a believer. He knows what he is doing is wrong, but he also knows "God will forgive". I've had those kinds of thoughts when I chose to go my own way in spite of my certainty that my actions were immoral, but I shudder at the folly of such hubris.
And I guess this is just part of the whole picture - things I see but do not understand. My friend's wife and children are devastated beyond description. The man is utterly lacking in human pity and has proven himself to be completely contemptible. He spent the last year rearranging the family finances so that his wife will end up with less than nothing, half their debts and no source of income. Unbelievable. He acted like he was listening to me as I commiserated with his pain while encouraging him to not give up. But he'd already given up - and let me talk away as if it mattered. Dispicable. He acts as though he's decided to sell an old car, not like he has betrayed wife, children, family and friends.
I understand wanting to quit on a marriage. I don't understand intentionally, systematically screwing everyone involved.
When I pray for his wife & kids, I don't even know what to ask. God knew all this was going down and chose to allow it. It doesn't make sense to me, but I have to say - in spite of my blinding ignorance - God is still in charge and still acting in a loving way.
Last night, I told the high schoolers what I know about faith. The essential part is this: if you can perceive it with your senses, then it doesn't require the saving kind of faith. The saving kind of faith believes in what is not seen, and hopes in that which real, even though it is unperceived by the senses. And God intends that we live in this state of faith all the time - believing that He is acting out of a heart of goodness toward us even when we are betrayed, beaten, unjustly accused, ridiculed. Even when our lot in life is desperate and dire, even when all my senses say "this is a horrible, terrible tragedy". Even in such outrageous circumstances, faith says, "God is good, and is acting in goodness toward these whom He loves even now."
It's more than I can grasp with my mind; I have to apprehend it with my heart. It delivers a knockout blow to my understanding and leaves it sprawled senseless in the dirt. It forces me to believe with nothing but desire - the desire to continue believing that God is good, in the face of all evidence to the contrary.
Sunday, May 16
Wednesday, May 12
This week I crept into the belly of the beast and have now emerged with a story to tell.
I had jury duty.
First and foremost, I am shocked that I was even seated. I am the last person anyone wants on a jury because I am (a) informed and (b) independent. In other words, I know that I can judge the law as well as the evidence, and I am not prone to manipulation by anybody.
But I still got seated.
It was a drunk driving case - the perp was from out of town, he got stopped on Halloween because he was weaving slightly. The officer who arrested him testified with confidence and was pretty credible. The other prosecution witnesses ranged from unimpressive to incredible. The last guy screwed the case for the prosecution.
The charges were DUI, BAC of .08 & BAC of .15. The first charge is subjective but does not support the other two, which are objective but do not support the first. In other words, the state encircles the perp with a collection of charges and assumes they can get him on at least one.
My fellow jurors eventually agreed that we could not be certain the breathalyzer was reliable, and therefore all agreed to acquit on both the BAC charges. But the others were firmly convinced that he was impaired by alcohol and therefore guilty of the DUI. I struggled mightily with the idea of a crime without a victim - which is what happened here - but also realized that most of my fellow jurors only voted to acquit on the BAC because they were convinced he was guilty of the DUI. If I had held my ground, we would have been hopelessly deadlocked, and would have had a hung jury on all THREE charges.
So I compromised.
I compromised to keep the guy from getting hung worse than he was gonna get hung if the state had its way. Although I believe anyone who decides to drink and drive is a menace to society, I believe that the biggest menace in that courtroom the past three days was the state with its almost unlimited power, money and complete disregard for the principles of freedom.
Some will argue that the guy got off on a technicality. I would argue that the inexcusable for fairly laziness and sloppiness of state employees allowed a man who had committed a victimless "crime" to avoid additional, excessive jail time. And I'm darn thankful for it.
I didn't enjoy the process. But at least I learned a lot of things you can do to compromise the investigation if you are ever stopped for DUI/BAC.
If I trusted the state, I wouldn't have such a difficult time with such an apparently black & white case. But I don't. I have no confidence anymore that anyone brought up on charges is not the victim of state malfeasance rather than a criminal being brought to justice. The system is rigged to prevent the jury from really getting at the truth - we are only allowed to see the various attorneys' versions of the truth as edited by the judge. Judge and Prosecutor are both employees of the state, and Judge, Prosecutor and Defense Counsel all have a vested interest in maintaining the status quo. In short, don't go to court and expect justice - just expect a decision.
And pray that someone even more stubborn and independent than me is on your jury.
I had jury duty.
First and foremost, I am shocked that I was even seated. I am the last person anyone wants on a jury because I am (a) informed and (b) independent. In other words, I know that I can judge the law as well as the evidence, and I am not prone to manipulation by anybody.
But I still got seated.
It was a drunk driving case - the perp was from out of town, he got stopped on Halloween because he was weaving slightly. The officer who arrested him testified with confidence and was pretty credible. The other prosecution witnesses ranged from unimpressive to incredible. The last guy screwed the case for the prosecution.
The charges were DUI, BAC of .08 & BAC of .15. The first charge is subjective but does not support the other two, which are objective but do not support the first. In other words, the state encircles the perp with a collection of charges and assumes they can get him on at least one.
My fellow jurors eventually agreed that we could not be certain the breathalyzer was reliable, and therefore all agreed to acquit on both the BAC charges. But the others were firmly convinced that he was impaired by alcohol and therefore guilty of the DUI. I struggled mightily with the idea of a crime without a victim - which is what happened here - but also realized that most of my fellow jurors only voted to acquit on the BAC because they were convinced he was guilty of the DUI. If I had held my ground, we would have been hopelessly deadlocked, and would have had a hung jury on all THREE charges.
So I compromised.
I compromised to keep the guy from getting hung worse than he was gonna get hung if the state had its way. Although I believe anyone who decides to drink and drive is a menace to society, I believe that the biggest menace in that courtroom the past three days was the state with its almost unlimited power, money and complete disregard for the principles of freedom.
Some will argue that the guy got off on a technicality. I would argue that the inexcusable for fairly laziness and sloppiness of state employees allowed a man who had committed a victimless "crime" to avoid additional, excessive jail time. And I'm darn thankful for it.
I didn't enjoy the process. But at least I learned a lot of things you can do to compromise the investigation if you are ever stopped for DUI/BAC.
If I trusted the state, I wouldn't have such a difficult time with such an apparently black & white case. But I don't. I have no confidence anymore that anyone brought up on charges is not the victim of state malfeasance rather than a criminal being brought to justice. The system is rigged to prevent the jury from really getting at the truth - we are only allowed to see the various attorneys' versions of the truth as edited by the judge. Judge and Prosecutor are both employees of the state, and Judge, Prosecutor and Defense Counsel all have a vested interest in maintaining the status quo. In short, don't go to court and expect justice - just expect a decision.
And pray that someone even more stubborn and independent than me is on your jury.
Wednesday, March 19
There are vast swaths of the Bible I can read through without reacting, but the story of Abraham and Isaac is not one of them. I avoid this story like the plague, because it hurts so bad.
Abraham sits awake by the fire, the night before The Day, and he watches his son Isaac sleeping under the stars. His body is numb and his mind clicks machine-like from task to task. He has torqued down the clamp on his emotions so tightly now that nothing will ever touch him again. He does not understand, he CANNOT understand, yet he is driven by the Command and he knows that on the morrow he will do the very last thing he could have ever imagined doing.
This boy, this beautiful boy, sleeping peacefully on the sand under these stars.
Oh God, not the stars, not the sand.
His heart is a lump of cold lead somewhere inside the deadness of his chest - and that is all he can feel. He knows it is cold outside, he can see his breath, but he is unable to sense cold. He knows the fire is warm - all fires are warm - but he can feel nothing. The wind moves his hair move across his face, but he senses it as if from a great distance. His vision has gone red around the edges - red like blood and like fire and like madness.
How did it come to this? He wills himself to forget the past, to forget the future, to forget everything but the act he knows he will commit tomorrow. Is he mad? Of course he is. Madness is the only possible response - madness or suicide. But a man must be alive to commit suicide. And Abraham knows for certain he is already dead. Oh, his heart still beats and blood still flows in his veins, he can see his chest moving and know that breath still flows in his lungs, but that is simply the habit of the body. He is surely already dead.
Sand and stars and even his name mock him now. All those choices he made parade past his inner eye, a procession of demons. Why did he leave home and family? Why? Such pain... Why did he dream that dream under the Oaks at Mamre? Who is this God that gives and takes with such sovereign impunity, who treats mankind as toy soldiers to be set up and knocked down at will? He quickly slams the lid on these thoughts - Thinking is no longer an option. All that is left is Doing. And then after that...
There is no after that.
Isaac stirs, and mumbles something, rolling with his face towards the fire. Abraham gazes in mute wonder at the miracle sleeping blissfully unaware on the other side of the fire. If he had any heart left at all, surely it would break in two now. But he is already dead inside. He died the moment he heard those words:
...take your only son Isaac, and offer him...
Oh how he wished he could die this moment. But he knows as surely as the stars above his head and the sand under his feet that he will keep on breathing, and that he will not stop breathing until this soveriegn, imperious God decrees it to be so. And so he wills himself to concentrate on this shining, golden moment - he forces himself to study the face of his beloved Isaac, to memorize ever curve and crevice of that beautiful face; the dark hair; the strong hands, the broad shoulders that will never carry a son...
"STOP IT!", he commands himself.
What is this dread certainty that impels him onward? Why not just say, "to hell with it" and put an end to this madness?
The small little man in his mind, the one that can never quite be silent, whispers to him, "remember The Promise", and the last desperate hope within him wants to grasp that ethereal Word. But he knows it is just a dream, an illusion, a wish as surely as his whole sorry life has been nothing but a wish. Nothing makes sense, nothing will ever make sense again. ALl that is left is breathing and doing till the day he can blissfully stop.
Somehow, in spite of his fervent desire, night mercilessly gave way to the cruelty of morning. The first rays of daylight stabbed across the floor of the desert and through his soul with the speed and violence of a sword-thrust. And yes, Abraham thought, yes of course the sky is blood red. And I am dead, and Isaac is so very alive and soon even this will not be so.
-----------
In later years, looking back on that night and the following day, Abraham had shadowy recollections - he remembered the heaviness of his old legs as they climbed the mountain, he recalled that the buzzing in his ears and the redness that never left the periphery of his vision. He remembered the sound of Isaac's questions as if he listened from the bottom of a well. He remembered stones and wood and rope and the uncomprehending look in his son's eyes as he bound him and gently laid him across the altar. And cold metal - he remember the sound of the knife as he pulled it from its sheath. Cold and hard and unforgiving as man - the cruel sunlight glinted off the blade as he grasped it familiarly, momentarily blinding him. He remembered how dispassionately he wondered how he would go home afterward. Or even if he would go home. Anywhere or nowhere was fine. Maybe he would just stay on top of this mountain and never move again. He felt his arm lift into the air as if it had a will of its own, he looked up at the blade then down at his son; he was grasping Isaac's arms, pulling his shoulders back and his chest forward. That moment, etched forever in his memory, dripped with life and death and fear and ache and sorrow.
And Fury.
Now!
With primeval rage and a furious roar, he thrust downward with the knife...
...and felt his arm stopped in mid-flight.
Someone had grabbed his arm. He turned his head to see a hand - a strong, familiar hand on his arm. And heard a familiar Voice, "Not the boy, Abraham, not the boy. Take the lamb - the one caught there in the bush."
That same voice - that same unmistakable Word - the very Word that had seized him so many years ago, compelled him to leave Mother and Father and Land and Home and strike out looking for a city of his own, that same Word that had made the Promise, that same Word that had come twice more in the most unexpected times and ways - that Word which had only last week taken his very heart and snuffed it like a glowing wick - that selfsame Word restored to him his very life and promise and love...
-------------
In the days and years that followed, he and Isaac never spoke about The Day. But Isaac would sometimes simply gaze upong the old man with a mixture of awe and fear and deep, deep love. For his part, Abraham never saw Isaac the same way again. In some ways, if it was at all possible, Isaac was even more precious to him than he had been before The Day. And yet in other ways, Abraham knew with deep certainty that Isaac did not belong to him, never had belonged to him. He knew that he, Abraham and Isaac and who-knows-who-else, were merely players in a grand drama that was being worked out before his very eyes by a God both closer and more mysterious than he had ever dared imagine.
And that was enough.
Abraham sits awake by the fire, the night before The Day, and he watches his son Isaac sleeping under the stars. His body is numb and his mind clicks machine-like from task to task. He has torqued down the clamp on his emotions so tightly now that nothing will ever touch him again. He does not understand, he CANNOT understand, yet he is driven by the Command and he knows that on the morrow he will do the very last thing he could have ever imagined doing.
This boy, this beautiful boy, sleeping peacefully on the sand under these stars.
Oh God, not the stars, not the sand.
His heart is a lump of cold lead somewhere inside the deadness of his chest - and that is all he can feel. He knows it is cold outside, he can see his breath, but he is unable to sense cold. He knows the fire is warm - all fires are warm - but he can feel nothing. The wind moves his hair move across his face, but he senses it as if from a great distance. His vision has gone red around the edges - red like blood and like fire and like madness.
How did it come to this? He wills himself to forget the past, to forget the future, to forget everything but the act he knows he will commit tomorrow. Is he mad? Of course he is. Madness is the only possible response - madness or suicide. But a man must be alive to commit suicide. And Abraham knows for certain he is already dead. Oh, his heart still beats and blood still flows in his veins, he can see his chest moving and know that breath still flows in his lungs, but that is simply the habit of the body. He is surely already dead.
Sand and stars and even his name mock him now. All those choices he made parade past his inner eye, a procession of demons. Why did he leave home and family? Why? Such pain... Why did he dream that dream under the Oaks at Mamre? Who is this God that gives and takes with such sovereign impunity, who treats mankind as toy soldiers to be set up and knocked down at will? He quickly slams the lid on these thoughts - Thinking is no longer an option. All that is left is Doing. And then after that...
There is no after that.
Isaac stirs, and mumbles something, rolling with his face towards the fire. Abraham gazes in mute wonder at the miracle sleeping blissfully unaware on the other side of the fire. If he had any heart left at all, surely it would break in two now. But he is already dead inside. He died the moment he heard those words:
...take your only son Isaac, and offer him...
Oh how he wished he could die this moment. But he knows as surely as the stars above his head and the sand under his feet that he will keep on breathing, and that he will not stop breathing until this soveriegn, imperious God decrees it to be so. And so he wills himself to concentrate on this shining, golden moment - he forces himself to study the face of his beloved Isaac, to memorize ever curve and crevice of that beautiful face; the dark hair; the strong hands, the broad shoulders that will never carry a son...
"STOP IT!", he commands himself.
What is this dread certainty that impels him onward? Why not just say, "to hell with it" and put an end to this madness?
The small little man in his mind, the one that can never quite be silent, whispers to him, "remember The Promise", and the last desperate hope within him wants to grasp that ethereal Word. But he knows it is just a dream, an illusion, a wish as surely as his whole sorry life has been nothing but a wish. Nothing makes sense, nothing will ever make sense again. ALl that is left is breathing and doing till the day he can blissfully stop.
Somehow, in spite of his fervent desire, night mercilessly gave way to the cruelty of morning. The first rays of daylight stabbed across the floor of the desert and through his soul with the speed and violence of a sword-thrust. And yes, Abraham thought, yes of course the sky is blood red. And I am dead, and Isaac is so very alive and soon even this will not be so.
-----------
In later years, looking back on that night and the following day, Abraham had shadowy recollections - he remembered the heaviness of his old legs as they climbed the mountain, he recalled that the buzzing in his ears and the redness that never left the periphery of his vision. He remembered the sound of Isaac's questions as if he listened from the bottom of a well. He remembered stones and wood and rope and the uncomprehending look in his son's eyes as he bound him and gently laid him across the altar. And cold metal - he remember the sound of the knife as he pulled it from its sheath. Cold and hard and unforgiving as man - the cruel sunlight glinted off the blade as he grasped it familiarly, momentarily blinding him. He remembered how dispassionately he wondered how he would go home afterward. Or even if he would go home. Anywhere or nowhere was fine. Maybe he would just stay on top of this mountain and never move again. He felt his arm lift into the air as if it had a will of its own, he looked up at the blade then down at his son; he was grasping Isaac's arms, pulling his shoulders back and his chest forward. That moment, etched forever in his memory, dripped with life and death and fear and ache and sorrow.
And Fury.
Now!
With primeval rage and a furious roar, he thrust downward with the knife...
...and felt his arm stopped in mid-flight.
Someone had grabbed his arm. He turned his head to see a hand - a strong, familiar hand on his arm. And heard a familiar Voice, "Not the boy, Abraham, not the boy. Take the lamb - the one caught there in the bush."
That same voice - that same unmistakable Word - the very Word that had seized him so many years ago, compelled him to leave Mother and Father and Land and Home and strike out looking for a city of his own, that same Word that had made the Promise, that same Word that had come twice more in the most unexpected times and ways - that Word which had only last week taken his very heart and snuffed it like a glowing wick - that selfsame Word restored to him his very life and promise and love...
-------------
In the days and years that followed, he and Isaac never spoke about The Day. But Isaac would sometimes simply gaze upong the old man with a mixture of awe and fear and deep, deep love. For his part, Abraham never saw Isaac the same way again. In some ways, if it was at all possible, Isaac was even more precious to him than he had been before The Day. And yet in other ways, Abraham knew with deep certainty that Isaac did not belong to him, never had belonged to him. He knew that he, Abraham and Isaac and who-knows-who-else, were merely players in a grand drama that was being worked out before his very eyes by a God both closer and more mysterious than he had ever dared imagine.
And that was enough.
Wednesday, March 5
My normal day starts with a trip to school to drop off the kids. On the way, we listen to NPR. Usually, after the kids jump out of the car, I switch to ESPN radio to listen to Mike & Mike in the Morning, (Mike Golic used to be a local radio personality, and I like listening to him), but this morning I kept it on NPR. And heard that 53% of Russians think Josef Stalin was a great man.
Hold that thought while I bring another stream online.
Last night we had our small group meeting at my house. I started to exercise my normal leadership style, which is actually no leadership at all - really just facilitation. I realised quickly that these folks didn't want facilitation, they wanted to be lead. And further, that they would do what I said. I've had to make a conscious effort to lead rather than facilitate this meeting over the last month, and I have quite frankly been shocked at the eager acceptance these folks accord my leadership. I'm certain my shock is related to the fact that I would not be near so easy to lead as they are. But still, they desperately want to be lead and respond positively to strong leadership.
Hold that thought while a third stream joins the river.
The story I quoted from on 2/28 talks about how the first chapter of Genesis shatters the idols of day with the assertion that the one true God created everything. One of the most ancient myths of beginings is the Chaos/Order dichotomy. Choas is personified and is seen to be the overriding reality in all creation. Some great god fights with Choas, pushes him back and brings order, but Chaos is always lurking around the borderlands, looking for an opportunity to bring destruction and wreak havoc. The ancient Greeks developed the political philosophy of the Republic largely out of desire to bring order out of chaos rather than to bring freedom to the masses.
I heard in the voices of the Russians interviewed on the NPR program this morning the same longing for order. These folks honestly missed Stalin, wept at his memory and considered him a great man - because he brought order and because the country was strong and feared when he was the leader. They desperately long for leadership - any leadership -and are apparently willing to accept genocide as the price of pushing back Chaos.
I struggle to make sense of this. What is it about the Russians in particular, (and most people in general), that will embrace a strong leader who brings order and discipline - even if the cost is mass-murder? The 20th century provides a veritable laundry list of such tyrants. Hitler was actually elected by popular vote. Stalin rose to power on the back of Lenin, who was brought to power in a "people's revolution". Mao led a "people's revolution". Mussolini was lauded not just in Italy but around the world because he "made the trains run on time". Pol Pot, Idi Amin, the Ayatollah Khomeini - I'm just pulling these from memory. Wander backward along history's timeline and you will constantly stub your toes on these murderous despots who are fondly remembered by the very people they destroy. Does Saddam Hussein belong in this pantheon of pusillanimity?
And worse, how many of us are just like that? I'm independent to a fault and difficult to lead, and yet I know I long for strong leadership. The folks in my home group eagerly embrace my leadership. Does paganism have such a grip on this world that we still believe, (and fear!) the Chaos myth?
Does this horrify you like it does me? If Josef Stalin were running for president of Russia today, he would win. Is this the appeal of Napolean, (and Saddam)?
Does Islam appeal for the same reason - it is a strong denouncement of the chaos of the modern west? I'd love to hear comments from whatever readers there may be out there...
Hold that thought while I bring another stream online.
Last night we had our small group meeting at my house. I started to exercise my normal leadership style, which is actually no leadership at all - really just facilitation. I realised quickly that these folks didn't want facilitation, they wanted to be lead. And further, that they would do what I said. I've had to make a conscious effort to lead rather than facilitate this meeting over the last month, and I have quite frankly been shocked at the eager acceptance these folks accord my leadership. I'm certain my shock is related to the fact that I would not be near so easy to lead as they are. But still, they desperately want to be lead and respond positively to strong leadership.
Hold that thought while a third stream joins the river.
The story I quoted from on 2/28 talks about how the first chapter of Genesis shatters the idols of day with the assertion that the one true God created everything. One of the most ancient myths of beginings is the Chaos/Order dichotomy. Choas is personified and is seen to be the overriding reality in all creation. Some great god fights with Choas, pushes him back and brings order, but Chaos is always lurking around the borderlands, looking for an opportunity to bring destruction and wreak havoc. The ancient Greeks developed the political philosophy of the Republic largely out of desire to bring order out of chaos rather than to bring freedom to the masses.
I heard in the voices of the Russians interviewed on the NPR program this morning the same longing for order. These folks honestly missed Stalin, wept at his memory and considered him a great man - because he brought order and because the country was strong and feared when he was the leader. They desperately long for leadership - any leadership -and are apparently willing to accept genocide as the price of pushing back Chaos.
I struggle to make sense of this. What is it about the Russians in particular, (and most people in general), that will embrace a strong leader who brings order and discipline - even if the cost is mass-murder? The 20th century provides a veritable laundry list of such tyrants. Hitler was actually elected by popular vote. Stalin rose to power on the back of Lenin, who was brought to power in a "people's revolution". Mao led a "people's revolution". Mussolini was lauded not just in Italy but around the world because he "made the trains run on time". Pol Pot, Idi Amin, the Ayatollah Khomeini - I'm just pulling these from memory. Wander backward along history's timeline and you will constantly stub your toes on these murderous despots who are fondly remembered by the very people they destroy. Does Saddam Hussein belong in this pantheon of pusillanimity?
And worse, how many of us are just like that? I'm independent to a fault and difficult to lead, and yet I know I long for strong leadership. The folks in my home group eagerly embrace my leadership. Does paganism have such a grip on this world that we still believe, (and fear!) the Chaos myth?
Does this horrify you like it does me? If Josef Stalin were running for president of Russia today, he would win. Is this the appeal of Napolean, (and Saddam)?
Does Islam appeal for the same reason - it is a strong denouncement of the chaos of the modern west? I'd love to hear comments from whatever readers there may be out there...
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